Thursday, July 23, 2009

7/24/09: Smitty's Smartass Preview: Toronto F.C.

By Johnathan Smith a.k.a. Smitty

And just like that, I'm back. Shall we?

Moose hunting is a sport fairly limited in it's popularity. Be it the replica moose-antler headgear, the mating whistles (known as a "vuvuzela"), or the barefoot three-day hikes in Nova Scotian forests in search of the hairy horned beast... for whatever reason, the sport hasn't exactly caught on. (After all, who wants to douse oneself in moose piss so early in the morning?) However, there is a tried and true saying that many moose (meese?) hunters have found to be ever so uplifting - "When the poo is dry, the moose are gone."

And when thinking of things that compare to the lineup of also-ran, has-beens, and never-weres that TFC will be trotting out onto the field this weekend, I can think of no better way to describe this gaggle of gaffes than a dried-up moose patty.

But hey, at least all their hardcore fans will be making the trip to Columbus to support the....wait...say what?


Dammit, John. Why couldn't you be our Lloyd Carr?

What You Need To Know: Toronto has finally put together a team that, when healthy, could compete for a playoff spot. Too bad they're not healthy. And the ones who are in good shape spent the week running around in a boring exhibition match against River Plate. Good strategy there.

Also, the Toronto supporters groups (The "greatest fans in the known universe", as they're known to themselves) will not be making the trip after some alleged rough treatment by the Columbus Police Department during their last stay. While the CPD does some mighty good work to be sure, these are the same group of "ossafers" that couldn't find Blake with a helicopter. A HELICOPTER!!!

What next? A boycott of Tuttle Crossing Mall because the Segway Rent-A-Cop almost mowed you over?

New Additions: Ali Gerba, a forward who last saw time with the Milton Keynes Dons of the prestigious League One division of English football. Previous to that, he played on a few USL sides. You know...teams that Toronto can really look up to.

Chances Of Making The Playoffs: About the same as finding a Canadian who isn't pissed about Americans getting socialized medicine. "Wha? That's the one thing we had to brag about..."

Topical Insult Of The Week: For this week's insult, we turn to page 188 of Grant Wahl's new book "The Beckham Experiment":

"If there ever seems like a sure 3 points in MLS, it (is) when Toronto F.C. came to town."

When a book about the 2008 version of David Beckham says you're bad, you know it holds water.

Crew Notes:

- Bash Brothers Steven Lenhart and Jason Garey look to get another start in the wake of ailments to Guillermo Barros Schelotto and Alejandro Moreno. Meanwhile, the Canadian press had this to say about the Dynamic Duo's nicknames:

"They've also been christened with typically American nicknames such as "Bash Brothers" and "The Big Nasty" for Lenhart while Garey is the "Rajun' Cajun." But the ridiculously NASCAR-esque (and some may argue utterly unflattering and unnecessary) nicknames aside, these strikers are skilled enough to ask some questions of Toronto."
Ugh. Typically American. You can almost hear the disdain leaking from the corners of his poutine-stained mouth. Doesn't this guy get it? America is more Canadian than Canada right now. But I digress...

- Emmanuel Ekpo should be ready after a yellow card-induced staycation last weekend. Midfielder Adam Moffat, the future brother in-law of Big Nasty Steven Lenhart, may also be ready to take the field.

Match preview here.

Prediction: The Crew's 1a team gets a goal from cheeky vet Duncan Oughton, and another from one of the Bash Brothers, which proves to be enough, as the Crew get a home-shutout against the Reds, 2-0.


  1. this whole article is quotable.

  2. Good to have you back.

  3. Glad your back. Finally someone with some decent writing chops!

  4. Ouch, lol. Obviously number 3 likes me.

    Good work though.

  5. Whatever...Ryan does a good job. He's much better at following up on the minutia than I am. I just sit around for 6 months until an idea pops into my head. But thanks.